I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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