it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
