The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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