her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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