The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived