just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.