i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check