Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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