i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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