Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
