I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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