Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
