i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
