Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
