i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
