I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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