hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
