I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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