And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
