I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
