I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Randomize
