I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize