apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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