Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
