can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
