you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
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My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother