I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
