and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
