I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
