Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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