and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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