Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
