Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
