how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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