The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
