We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
