I never want to see another naked old woman again.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
