we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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