The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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