I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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