I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
