i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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