im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
