Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
