i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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