i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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