The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
thus making me awesome and them whores
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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