you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
