Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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