8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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