you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
