every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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