if i can run in heels then i can drive
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
