I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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